you know when you have those days where everything seems just blah. frustrating and you are just ready for it to be over. maybe its one of those weeks, months or years. i’m having one of those years. some, most or all of you who come to visit my blog know what has been going on in my life the past 6 months. for those of you who don’t know let me let you get a peak into my life right now. on january 1, i lost a relative. on february 12 i lost a relative. on february 20 my brother was killed in a car accident and on april 18 i lost another relative. to say that i am frustrated. upset. stressed. worn out. hurt. confused and in shock are all understatements. i don’t spill all of this out to get sympathy at all. trust me. normalcy is clutch for me right now.

its crazy. its crazy how i had all of these things planned out for my life prior to february 20th. all of these losses were tough, but the one that hurt the most was my brother. you aren’t suppose to lose your best friend, your brother, at only 24 years young, your biggest fan, your sunshine in a matter of minutes. in those minutes, in that weekend, in these past 4 plus months it is more real to me now that life isn’t fair. that what i had planned and set up to do isn’t how things are going to be. that their is a new “normal” that my family and i are trying to figure out in the midst of all of this. but how lucky that, despite how unloving and unlovable i have been, i am surrounded by family who loves me and hurts with me, friends who are straight up legit, awesome, encouraging and forgiving,  and coworkers who are understanding. but most of all that i have a Jesus who is wrapping his arms around my family tighter then ever through all of this. most of the time we don’t feel it but i know deep deep down that its there. i know that we are going to make it through this heartache because He is so much bigger then these tragedies. i know we are going to make it through because my brother always said.. “us LeGrand’s we stick together”. i know that i’m not going to be in this horrible pain for my whole life because its not suppose to be like this.

life isn’t fair. life sucks sometimes. but i’m learning SLOWLY and i mean very slowly that its life. and despite all of the crap that goes on here, there is one life on the other side that i can’t even wait to start, one where i’ll see my brother doing his stupid dance he always did to make me laugh and one of the greatest most awesome hugs he has ever given me. man its going to be great.


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what am i doing…

July 2009
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